This is the story of how my first date with a boy was ruined by cancer.
I’ve only been on one gay date. Just like any good first date, it was awkward and horrible and also the last date. But I feel that, having been on one gay date, I have gained the title of “Gay Dating Expert.” I will now offer, unsolicited, 8 simple rules for gay dating, gleaned from my vast knowledge of the subject. Here they are, in order of most important to least, or maybe least to most. I can’t remember now.
Rule 1) Never go for Mexican food. I’m from the South. Mexican food is law. We have ridiculous amounts of rice and beans in our diets, and this has earned us the right to say things like, “They do huevos rancheros all wrong!” or “Have you tried their carne asada? It’s soooooo inauthentic!” Unfortunately, this has also earned us the privilege of being the gassiest region in the continental U.S., and you can see how this doesn’t bode well in a dating scenario.
Rule 2) Always go for alcohol. The one benefit of Mexican food is the suspiciously cheap, conspicuously large excuses to get drunk. I’m talking about margaritas. Worried as my date and myself were about the success of the evening, we both ordered the largest margaritas on the menu. If the sight of two boys on a date wasn’t drawing us enough attention from the other diners in that tiny conservative town, we certainly drew a few glances when the waiter arrived at the table with two swimming pool sized glasses of tequila, complete with an entire bottle of Corona turned upside down in the glass. We might as well have run up little rainbow flags on the two flagpoles the waiter had just delivered. But I didn’t care about the staring. All I cared about was getting drunk.
Rule 3) When selecting a movie, avoid the heavy topics. Like cancer, or dolphin deaths. Dinner and a movie. That sounds like a reasonable date agenda, right? The movie theatre means that we can sit next to each other without being forced to make conversation. But when arriving at the box office, you are faced with a choice. Rom-com or action/adventure? Drama or comedy? Dramedy? Is that a thing? Oscar-winning sports drama or summer blockbuster starring someone who used to be attractive? The choices are nearly endless. Here’s a list of the movies also playing that we could have chosen:
-A lighthearted tale based on the true story of a boy who befriends a dolphin, then they get married and have kids (or something.)
-A not-too-serious superhero film starring a very attractive actor.
-Not one, but TWO films starring Ryan Gosling.
-A popular animated film from our childhood that had been re-released in 3D. Because nothing recalls the good ol’ days like a scantily clad princess and a misogynistic hero.
Here’s what we chose instead:
-A young man is diagnosed with cancer then dumped by his girlfriend. He is given a 50% chance of survival.
Solid choice.
Rule 4) Do not schedule a date on the same day you have attended a funeral. I probably should have led with this. But it’s still an excellent rule of thumb. Especially if the funeral is one of a close family friend who has just passed away due to cancer. I don’t mean to make light of such a tragedy, but I am sure that had I told her this story she would have laughed, told me not to worry, and handed me a homemade scone. She was just that way.
Rule 5) If you must sob uncontrollably during your film, make sure your date and the entire theatre knows it. You saw where this was headed. Movie about cancer, friend died of cancer, funeral in the morning and date in the evening… It could only end in one thing: Me, curled up in a tiny ball, rocking back and forth, heaving and sniffling. Not wanting my date to have to witness what I’m sure he thought was me having an asthma attack, I left the theatre. Which meant walking down to the exit row, all the way across in front of God and country, and out into the hallway, where a showing of the friendly little dolphin movie had just let out. Standing in a hallway surrounded by people who had just seen a movie about a disabled dolphin while sobbing like a little girl can send mixed signals concerning your masculinity. Regaining my composure and what was left of my dignity, I returned to my seat, playing it off like I just had to use the restroom. Which I’m sure was also attractive.
Rule 6) Be sure to run into friends who know you both. Who else will spread rumors about you? Make sure they are also friends from circles where this information would be particularly interesting, such as your church.
Rule 7) Never go with a gay to a second location. You will undoubtably end up with your pants around your ankles. Now, I have mentioned that this was the first date I had been on where both parties actually wanted to get into the other’s pants. So when we went back to his place for beer and conversation, it wasn’t long before there were hands, and legs, and plenty of “Not so much tongue!”’s. I’ll spare you the gritty details, but suffice it to say it was awkward. Thankfully I rolled off the couch and hit my head before any real shenanigans could happen, and after the appropriate niceties and an aspirin or two, I said goodnight and left.
Rule 8) Always schedule an appointment with your therapist for the next day.It was purely coincidence (though perhaps, fate) that I had an appointment with my shrink the next morning. That poor woman had to listen to me go into far too much detail about my social and sexual escapades of the night before. But she helped me realize that I was happy this way. That despite the awkward sobbing, the awkward conversations, and the awkward making out, I really was happy dating guys openly. So I suppose that leads me to the golden rule of gay dating:
The Golden Rule of Gay Dating: Be you. You’ll have a good time, you’ll be proud of who you are, and hopefully you’ll meet someone who will like you for you. Being yourself is the most important thing.
But maybe the second most important thing is: Never tell a “your mom” joke during a make out session. That kills the mood like nothing else.
Share your awful first-date stories in the comment section, my fellow Flipper enthusiasts!
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